


more than survive

by commandercosmo



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, Other, gender neutral reader
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-10
Updated: 2017-11-10
Packaged: 2019-01-31 08:09:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,655
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12677865
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/commandercosmo/pseuds/commandercosmo
Summary: You've been going through a depressive episode for days. Your SQUIP intervenes to help you out.





	more than survive

**_You need to get out of bed._ **

 

…

 

**_I know you don’t want to, but you need to. Get out of bed._ **

 

…

 

You’d turned your SQUIP off an hour or so ago. You didn’t exactly know how long it’d been. Your alarm clock was on your bedside table, which you were currently facing away from. You had been facing away from it for… a while. For one reason or another, you couldn’t make yourself move from your current position. 

 

You knew your SQUIP was right -- you did have to get out of bed. This was why you’d turned it off in the first place. You didn’t need to be reminded of what you  _ should  _ be doing, because there were a million things, and if you started thinking about one of them, you’d start thinking about all of them, and then you’d start spiraling, and--

 

**_I turned on automatically, because it is necessary that I intervene. You must get up now, because you haven’t eaten anything all day, and you haven’t moved for approximately one and a half hours._ **

 

This wasn’t helping.

 

You couldn’t help but let tears fall onto your pillow. You’d been in the same pajamas for a few days now. You weren’t scheduled to work this week, and you just… hadn’t shown up for class. Thinking about this made you feel worse. 

 

**_I sent out an e-mail to each of your professors for you. You have been excused from the classes you’ve missed._ **

 

Well. You supposed that was some small relief. Still, though, there were a million other things that you knew you had to do, and you just hadn’t done them.

 

Before you could begin to get hysterical, your SQUIP materializes behind you, sitting on your bed. The wall you’re facing glows blue as he appears, and you’re nearly certain it’s about to haul you out of bed itself. 

 

Instead, though, you feel a warm hand on your back rubbing soothing circles. Tears begin to flow even more freely now, despite the fact that the hand on your back felt  _ incredible.  _

 

“You’re touch starved,” your SQUIP murmurs as an explanation. “You haven’t had interaction with others for a few days.” 

 

You don’t say anything, and your SQUIP continues to gently massage your back. You feel a little bit better, which is saying something. You hadn’t felt… well, you hadn’t felt much of anything for the past few days.

 

“You must get up,” your SQUIP finally says after about five minutes. It rests its hand on the small of you back, and you find that even the small amount of pressure that’s producing makes you… happy. At least a little bit. You sort of don’t ever want to move from this spot ever again.

 

“I know you don’t want to, but you do actually have to get up.” Your SQUIP doesn’t sound annoyed, which is strange to you. This is probably the fourth or fifth time it’s told you to get up, and it hasn’t raised its voice at all.

 

“You don’t have to do everything at once. Go to the bathroom, and then get some water, and a granola bar. Then you can come back to bed, if you want to.” 

 

These instructions seem simple enough. You try to speak aloud to your SQUIP, but you find that you have to clear your throat first. 

 

“Five more minutes?” You finally manage. Your voice sounds foreign to you, like it’s not actually yours. Your SQUIP chuckles, and you do your best to ignore the shivers the sound sends down your spine.

 

“Okay, I’ll allow it. Five more minutes.” 

 

Your SQUIP continues to massage your back, actually working out some of the knots instead of just comforting you. You’re still not sure exactly why your SQUIP is being so nice to you, but at this point, you just allow yourself to enjoy the sensations it’s providing you. 

 

“Alright,” it says eventually, patting your lower back gently. “It’s time to sit up.” 

 

Sit up. Just sit up. That’s all. You turn and heave yourself upwards, trying not to get tangled in the mess of blankets surrounding you. You’re certain you look awful, but your SQUIP just smiles at you.

 

“Perfect. Now, you have to get up slowly. You aren’t hydrated enough, so if you try to get up all at once, you’ll just feel worse.” Your SQUIP is still using its calming voice, and though a small part of you finds this unnerving, you still appreciate it. You do as it says, wincing as your bare feet are met with cold air. 

 

Before your SQUIP says anything, you reach to your large pile of clean laundry from one of your bursts of motivation and grab a pair of clean fluffy socks. They don’t match, but now your feet are less cold. You look to your SQUIP for your next step, probably looking like a kicked puppy.

It smiles at you. “Okay. You need to go to the bathroom and brush your teeth. Then you can get some water and something to eat. You’ll need to shower at some point today, but you can save that for later if you must.” 

 

You nod and make your way across the hall to the bathroom, purposefully avoiding looking directly at any mirror. Your SQUIP waits outside, and you can see the soft blue light it casts from underneath the bathroom door. 

 

Once you’re done, you exit the bathroom and your SQUIP gives you a once-over. You  _ do  _ feel a bit better now that you’re not uncomfortably trying to ignore the pressure in your bladder. The taste of mint lingers in your mouth, and you feel glad that if nothing else, you did achieve this small task today. 

 

You blush as your SQUIP looks you over. You run a hand through your hair, doing your best to at least pat it down. You’re not sure why, but you don’t want your SQUIP to see you like this.

 

Evidently hearing this thought, your SQUIP ‘tsk’s at you. “Don’t worry about that now, it won’t do you any good. I am here to improve your quality of life, not to judge how you look.” A beat of silence. “Well, sometimes I’m here to do that, too, but not today.” 

 

You manage to crack a smile at this. It almost feels foreign; you hadn’t smiled at anything since your depressive episode hit. Your SQUIP smiles brightly at you, and you’re struck with how happy it makes you to see it emoting in this way. You try not to think about how attractive it looks when it’s not shocking you for making bad decisions.

 

You clear your throat and move on before you can dwell too much on this. “Food?” 

 

Your SQUIP nods. “You don’t have to make anything big. A banana and a granola bar. You can take them back to your room, if you’d like to.” It steps back to let you lead the way into the kitchen.

 

You steer away from the fridge. You know that looking at its contents will only make you feel worse, because you haven’t cleaned it in quite a while. That was a problem for future you. For the first time, you felt like you actually  _ could  _ deal with it soon, now that your SQUIP was helping you. 

 

You reach in the cupboard and take the entire box of granola bars down from the shelf. Your SQUIP gives you a look, but says nothing. If you want to eat again, you won’t have to go through this entire debacle more than once. 

 

For good measure, you also grab an apple and a banana from the counter. You move to leave the kitchen, but your SQUIP blocks the way. You look at it quizzically.

 

It raises its eyebrows. “You need water. Find your biggest water bottle and fill it up so you can bring it with you.” Ah. Right.

 

You fill up your water bottle after placing your food on the counter. You’d purchased a more expensive water bottle with the thought that it’d make you want to drink water more often. It had worked, too, in the beginning -- you’d specifically chosen one with a pattern you liked to look at, and that was good quality. It had remained in the cupboard unused for about a month now. 

 

“Good,” your SQUIP tells you once you’ve filled it up. “Now, you  _ could  _ return to your room. But I think it would beneficial to sit in your living room and eat. A change in scenery will be good for you.” 

 

You sigh. You want nothing more than to curl back up in your blankets, eat, and look at dumb memes on the internet for another few hours. You don’t exactly want your SQUIP to shock you for disobeying it, though, so you comply and take a seat on the couch. 

 

Thankfully, there are some cartoons on TV that you can watch fairly mindlessly while you eat. Your SQUIP remains next to you in its projected form, and while you’re not entirely sure why it does, you’re grateful for it. It emits the same warmth as a human would, and you feel a sense of companionship when it’s near you like this. 

 

After a few episodes of something or another, and some fruit and granola bars later, you find that you feel quite a bit better. You’re not at a hundred percent yet -- maybe fifty or sixty. Not quite ready to go shopping or clean your home, but maybe you can actually shower now.

 

“That’s a good idea,” your SQUIP says. You almost jump, having nearly forgotten that it wasn’t just a friend who couldn’t read your mind. You make a noncommittal noise, realizing that to  _ actually shower  _ you have to  _ get up.  _

 

“You do have to get up in order to shower, yes,” you’re reminded. You sink further into your couch, groaning. 

 

“Can’t I just have a bath?” You ask aloud, thinking to the bath bombs you have saved for times like this. You almost perk up at the thought, but your SQUIP beats you to it.

 

“No,” it says gently. You look at it, trying not to pout but definitely failing. Your SQUIP smiles at you. “You need to get cleaned efficiently and quickly. If you take a bath, you are allowing yourself to think about things for longer than you need to. You will have a shower.” 

 

You sigh but realize that you’re never going to reason with your SQUIP. Quite frankly, you didn’t exactly have the energy to argue with it, anyways. Still, you’re not quite ready to get up yet. You remain seated.

 

“I’ll make you a deal,” your SQUIP says after a moment. You turn your head to it, trying to show that you’re listening. “I will allow you to watch one more episode of this cartoon before you have to get up to take a shower, or I will take you to the shower myself. Deal?”

 

You hardly have to think. “Sure,” you tell it, glad that you can sit for a little while longer and prepare yourself for the task of taking a shower. 

 

Your SQUIP doesn’t dematerialize while you continue watching your show, which you find a little bit strange, but don’t mention. You find that when it’s not telling you how to act while in public, you actually enjoy its company. You find  _ this  _ thought strange, too, but you decide not to dwell too much on it for now. You enjoy the synthetic warmth your SQUIP emits, going so far as to scooch closer to it. If it thought anything of this, it said nothing.

 

“All right,” your SQUIP says, turning off your television for you once the episode is over. “It’s time to shower.”

 

You sigh but oblige, getting up to first put any dishes in the sink before moving to go to your bathroom. Your SQUIP stops you, however.

 

“You should bring some cold water into the shower with you,” it says. “You don’t want to get light-headed in the shower with nothing to drink.” 

 

You nod and follow its suggestion, pouring a fresh glass of cold water for yourself. You finally walk to your room, gathering some clean pajamas to put on after you’ve washed. You grab some towels from the cupboard and place them on your counter in the bathroom.

 

Your SQUIP clears it's throat. “I will, um, see you after you’re clean.” With that, it dematerializes. You’re stunned -- it had almost seemed bashful before it left. You knew this was insane, because it was a  _ supercomputer,  _ but you can’t help but smile to yourself at the thought. 

 

You try to shake any warm feelings you might have for your SQUIP and get to the task at hand. You go through the motions, going so far as to shampoo your hair twice before conditioning it, and you use your favourite scent of shower gel to try to make yourself feel better. There’s still a heaviness in your chest, but it’s better than it had been when you’d awoken. After washing your face and rinsing out your hair, you exit the shower, dry off and put your selected pajamas on. 

 

You leave a towel on your head so that you’re not lying on damp hair once you get into bed. Your SQUIP shows up again beside you once you’re in your bedroom, and you jump at its sudden appearance. It smiles wryly at you before speaking.

 

“I see you’ve showered in under twenty minutes. Good. Now, I have one last thing that I want you to do,” it says matter-of-factly. You sigh -- you’d thought that you were done.

 

“Don’t be like that,” it tells you, still smiling. “I just want you to brush some of the crumbs off of your bed before you get into it. I assume that you don’t want to change your sheets, so this is a  decent alternative.”

 

You blink, surprised. You’d expected something bigger than that, but you supposed it was a reasonable thing to do. You shrug and oblige, going so far as to make your bed and fluff your pillows after you brush off any food debris. Your phone is sufficiently charged, so you grabbed it and got into bed, content. 

 

Your SQUIP looks at you for a moment, snuggled in bed and finally clean and happy -- or, well. Happier than you had been. It smiles at you.

 

“I’m proud of you. You accomplished tasks you didn’t think you could accomplish today. Well done.” 

 

You look up at it, and suddenly, your eyes begin to well with tears. Your SQUIP seems to know that they’re not tears of sorrow but of happiness. It sits next to you, seemingly debating something. 

 

“You can…” Your voice breaks, so you clear your throat before continuing. “I mean. Can you come lay next to me? You’re warm. It’s nice.” Alright. Not quite as coherent as you’d like, but in your defense, your SQUIP had just made you very emotional very suddenly. 

 

Your SQUIP balks, a light flush coming to its cheeks. Noticing this, you blush as well, but you pull back your covers for it. Slowly, it lays next to you, and you feel that familiar warmth. You sigh happily, and your SQUIP relaxes. 

 

You yawn unexpectedly. You hadn’t realized it, but doing all these tasks had left you quite tired. You realize that you’d forgotten to look at a clock, or set an alarm, and you were about to get up when your SQUIP stopped you.

 

“It’s all right. I will awaken you at a reasonable time if you do not wake up on your own.” You nod, and snuggle further into your blankets. You feel your SQUIP put a hand on your shoulder before you hear it speak.

 

“Rest,” it says, uncharacteristically soft. “Go to sleep. I’ll still be here when you wake up.” With that, you allow sleep to take you.

**Author's Note:**

> ahh this one was a request! 
> 
> "SQUIP X Depressed!Anxious!Reader? You can take it where you want to, have fun w/it!"
> 
> I hope this is okay, and that y'all liked reading it!! hmu if you have any requests!


End file.
